Hotel Reviews, Pt. 2

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  2. 3 weeks ago

    @gary - you'd be surprised - scrambled eggs, bacon, waffle maker, yogurt, milk, cereal, oatmeal, muffins, bagels. Of course this varies from location to location, but even a crappier one I stayed at recently had a bunch of that stuff and hard boiled eggs to boot.

    Best continental spread I have encountered at a large American chain hotel was the Hampton Inn by O'Hare, which included an impressive array of quality fresh fruit.

  3. love those hotel waffle makers

  4. The Thunderbird Motel in Erie PA was a little grubby, but $35. Here's a picture of the owner taken by the Chicago Knockers mud wrestling team:

    http://www.sassysandi.com/Chicago_Knockers/photos/WildThing/CR024.jpg

    It's next to the Last Shot, a cheap but friendly bar with no windows. Good thrifting in Erie.

  5. I laid on top the comforter on top of the bed chewing cold toast. The door was open to the parking lot and heat and exhaust from the the truck stop across the concrete berm was filling the room. The bed provided no comfort. The room managed to feel cramped and sparse at the same time. Some sort of beyond cheap carpeting that felt almost plastic on my bare feet. A smell permeated everything, the walls, the bed, the floor, even the shoddy desk shoved in the corner seemed to give off a sour odor. The baking sun was starting to make me feel panic. Or maybe it was the tweaker looping lazily in the parking lot, eyes pinwheeling and making a loud clicking sound. Or maybe it was the popcorn ceiling I was staring at. My vape pen was broken and I wished I was dead. I was immersed in it and it wasn't unparalleled relaxation.

    The Tropic Motel, Lancaster, CA 2 stars

  6. A complete shithole, with all the requisites of a true shithole; terror inducing color scheme (purple couch, lime green carpet, brown walls), rusty water spurting unreliably from the chest high shower head, broken sink, and fridge isn’t even cold. On the plus side there was a full kitchen complete with dirty dishes and 2 knives that had been recently used in the lost art of hot knifing and the holes in several of the doors only added to its charm. Female condoms in the desk drawer when we arrived. There are sketchy people lingering around the place...no parking. Internet is very unreliable and slow. I would not let my dog stay here. This is a hotel for the oil & gas industry.

    The Uptown Motel, Estevan, SK 1 Star

  7. Edited 3 weeks ago by the Classical

    An important fact about me before I begin this review, I was born on a boat and came to this motel to convalesce after my body savagely failed me. My diet is limited to fish and cold water. The clouds in this part of the country are doom filled such as seen in the start of all truly murderous operas. A woman is a man who cannot be trusted. It feels as though one can smell the ocean, the salt air, hear the cries of birds but this hotel is hundreds of miles inland. Do not believe the tales of rude staffers, broken windows, thin walls, filthy bedding and the other grievances of the petite bourgeois, this hotel is a perfect turquoise jewel set among the gray buildings and gray roads of this country. My god, these people and their psychotic fear of anything remotely dirty, I will never understand. I suffered a fainting spell near the snacks machine and was not discovered for several hours.

    The Oregon Motor Motel, The Dalles OR 3 Stars

  8. Edited 3 weeks ago by the Classical

    We came to Memphis on a Greyhound from New York. Originally we meant to go to the Florida but then he wanted to see Graceland. By this point I could already feel us edging apart, I couldn't shake the feeling that he didn't have any use for me anymore, that he was embarrassed by my presence. I paid for everything. The first night I tried to have sex with him and he pushed me away. From there it just got worse. My mother-in-law tracked us down and started calling day & night, saying I needed to come to my family, to my child. I bought a pistol and some beer. One night I woke up in a daze and there was a teenage prostitute in the room. I fired a bullet in the ceiling just see what it would be like. Close to Graceland.

    The Knights Inn, Memphis, TN 3 Stars

  9. I like a woman with a lot of pubic hair. I mean like a lot. And it has to be dense. I'm not sure what it is, but man something about a really hairy woman down there really drives me wild. Gimme a woman with a big butt and a lot a of hair and I am a happy man. They are kind of hard to find these days, I don't think that's really the style no more. But you can find them. Sometimes you can tell by the eyebrows. This hotel has a got a lot of them.

    lThe Gardens At Mile High Ranch, Bisbee, AZ 4 stars

  10. The hallway smelt of boiled cabbage and old rag mats. At one end of it a coloured poster, too large for indoor display, had been tacked to the wall. It depicted simply an enormous face, more than a metre wide: the face of a man of about forty-five, with a heavy black moustache and ruggedly handsome features. It was no use trying the lift. Even at the best of times it was seldom working, and at present the electric current was cut off during daylight hours. It was part of the economy drive in preparation for Hate Week. Down at street level another poster, torn at one corner, flapped fitfully in the wind, alternately covering and uncovering the single word INGSOC.

    Holiday Inn Express, Poughkeepsie, NY 8.5 out of 10

  11. 2 weeks ago

    The view is breathtaking. I am so high above the city there could be a war going on down there and I wouldn’t know. I have stayed at this hotel three times in three different rooms but I think they are all the same. They all have a certain smell. A clean smell. A smell that lets me know death is very far away. Death is something that happens to other people, not me. The bedding is of the highest quality, Egyptian cotton (or some reasonable facsimile), with a certain stiffness to it, not the starchiness you find at so many other downscale-upscale hotels (your Omnis, Doubletrees, etc), but of newness, of lack of use, as if the bedding were being used for the first time. In fact that could extend to the entire room, everything feels newly unwrapped and fresh. The bed is firm and comfortable. Once the door is closed no sound invades from the hallway or adjoining rooms. One feels sealed off, entombed. The A/C is robust, I am unaware if the weather outside is frigid or sweltering. The fact that I can access my Uber from the private basement parking garage and continue directly to my room without being disturbed only increases this sensation. The design is harsh and modern and very pleasing. The bathroom amenities are acceptable. Water pressure is less than I would prefer and vanity is smaller than would be expected, not quite enough room for all of my hair products and make-up. But, the mirror arrangement borders on the surgical. Toilet flushes loudly and tends to spray, I always close the lid prior to flushing. Service is excellent. Maid service is unobtrusive to the point of being supernatural. Wi-Fi service is slow and the room service paleo options are limited.

    Hotel name available upon request, New York City, 4 Stars

  12. pitpat, Toby Ronnie

    Jul 10 Administrator

    "no complimentary e-juice. One star."
    - Lucky Dube

  13. Edited 2 weeks ago by the Classical

    He told me I should only look at 5 paintings a day maximum. Less would be better. I spent 45 minutes looking at Jackson Pollock’s “Number 1, 1949” which is mildly roped off, “stringed off” being a little more accurate, creating a thin barrier 18” from the painting. I guess because people want to stand close and maybe they lean in toward the painting and maybe they sneeze on it or something? It isn’t like it would stop someone if they wanted to destroy the painting like sometimes you hear activists doing, like a person might charge at it with a knife and tear a big hole in it and shout some pro-life slogan or something while they were wrestled to the ground. I guess the museum just rolls the dice on things like that. There was a very nervous seeming guard standing next to the painting. She was wearing shoes that looked orthopedic and rocked back & forth. She made me nervous. When I left I tried to take the bus to the hotel I had reservation at but I must have gotten on the wrong one because I ended up in Pasadena, which is not where I thought I was going. I tried two other hotels before I found this Howard Johnson. They told me they were booked but when I got on my phone in the lobby (wi-fi is very strong) and went to a website I was able to book a room right away. The room was fine. I mean it was just like a hotel room. It cost $125. It seemed like a room that cost that much. The next day I went back and looked at “Sawdy” by Edward Kienholz for an hour before I realized it was broken.

    Howard Johnson, Pasadena, CA 2 stars

  14. Two babies. I had two babies. When I was still in the city. When Papa was still alive. Mama wasn’t around no how. Papa worked at the factory at nights and I had the two babies. That was a long time back now. On the radio we heard them voices. Loud at first and then quieter. I remember the boulevards best. I remember seeing the trees on the boulevard and thinking how it was all so much like the Taj Mahal, like I had seen in a book Papa had. That was a long time back now. My two babies. Papa. I've waited a long time. I hear them said time is like a river but I am not so sure. Right across the street is what they call the Gulf and it seems time is more like that Gulf then no river.

    Beachtree Hotel, Galveston, TX 1 star

  15. We wanted a place to take our whole family. I wanted to pile into the station wagon and take a cross-country road trip, like when I was a boy. See the sights. Mount Rushmore. The Grand Canyon. Niagara Falls. The White House. I wanted my boys to look up at their father, look into my eyes, look into my aviator sunglasses, and think “wow, that’s my dad”. Doesn’t that sound amazing? Can’t you just hear their voices? I planned like a father. Maps, pamphlets, brochures, vouchers, schedules, timetables, advance tickets, discount passes, everything I had everything down to absolute most minute detail. Except that first night. That first night I left up to chance. Because I didn’t want to get wrapped up in my own self-control. I tried to remember what we learned in therapy. That I need to learn how to let things go. So I thought that first night, I’ll just wing it. I didn’t even make up a secret back-up plan that I just didn’t mention to my wife, that I wouldn’t even mention to myself, because I know that’s one of my bad habits. That I say I’m winging it when secretly I have it all planned out, but not this time. It almost killed me, but I did it. And it just about killed my entire fucking family. Motel 6, can’t be that bad. Sure it didn’t look too hot from the outside but never in my wildest dreams could I imagine the fucking nightmare. Blood. My boys have seen adult men cause each other to bleed. And not in some movie. In real life. Five feet from their beds where they were trying to sleep but couldn’t because these two psychos were beating each other to death RIGHT. OUTSIDE. THE. WINDOW. Cops, ambulances, screaming, people pronounced dead on the scene and me left holding the bag because I wanted to leave things to chance. Well, you know what? Chance fucks you in the ass.

    Motel 6, Bismark ND 1 star

  16. I was transferred down here to work the night shift as a watchman 6 months ago. It was intended to be a temporary bit lasting approximately one month. The company said they would pay to put me in an residency hotel for the time. I’m still here after six months because of numerous issues related to the company, they have continued to cover 75% of my living expenses. I am fine with my current arrangement. During the first week or so I was able to arrange for the cleaning ladies to clean my room at the end of their shift once week at 4 PM and I was able to get the front desk to provide blackout curtains as the window is east facing and gets a lot of morning light which makes it difficult to sleep. The room is large enough for me and the kitchenette is as nice as any of the apartments I’ve lived in over the years. I like living in a hotel vs an apartment, I feel like a permanent transient. I don’t have a lot of stuff. Mostly books and even those have dwindled considerably since I switched to using an e-reader. The e-reader comes in handy with the job as I have several long hours during the night after my first set of rounds are completed when I have time to read. I can sometimes read an entire book on the shift. Depends on the book I suppose. Wi-fi in the hotel is very robust. Night shift work is the sort of job I often think could easily be done by a well-trained animal (certain breeds of dogs for instance or monkeys, though, I could see that monkeys could be cost prohibitive, I don’t have any hard facts to support that just a feeling. Monkeys seem like they are expensive) but it has become clear over the years that my constitution or personality type has me well set to perform this job. I came across this work by accident and found myself enjoying it quite a bit. It is still work of course and there are plenty of times when I do not want to go to work, but on the whole I find myself happy with it. Other than my lunch box and my e-reader I carry a flashlight. A Maglite LED 3 Cell. I purchased with my own money and I supply the batteries. The best flashlight for this kind of work, in my opinion. I also have club or truncheon provided by the company, but much like the proverbial police officer who after many years on the beat never un holsters his service weapon, I have never found myself in a situation that required me to use my club, flashlight normally works best. In fact for the most part it sits in my metal desk in the back office of the plant. Usually just teens. Sometimes people trying to break in to steal such as copper wiring as a result of drug habit (which is a sadly common and widespread issue here in Tulsa). Teens and drug based thieves are easily startled and dispersed by the 131 Lumens the Maglite doles out. I prefer the term “watchman” to security guard. I like to picture myself as the subject of Wyndham Lewis-esque painting. Modernist. European. The hotel does have an odd smell that I wouldn’t exactly describe as unpleasant. There are always new faces coming and going at the hotel, new guests, but the staff is relatively stable and though I don’t have a huge amount of interaction with them (it is always pleasant and professional by the way) I like having the feeling of being “on the inside” as it were, as a semi-permanent guest. I nod knowingly to the staff in the lobby & hallways. There is a pool and a fitness room, neither of which I use.

    Candlewood Suites, Tulsa, OK 4 stars

  17. Can you print these out so I can put it next to Dube Cantos in my "office", where I'll have some time to read them all?

  18. I think that's the plan

  19. pitpat, Toby Ronnie

    Jul 12 Administrator

    do you have a job anymore dude?

  20. Edited 2 weeks ago by the Classical

    Sadly, yes, they don't really take me that long though

    If it turns out there's a lot of money in spam poetry and fake hotel reviews someone let me know

  21. riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodious vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs. Sir Tristram, violer d'amores, fr'over the short sea, had passencore rearrived from North Armorica on this side the scraggy isthmus of Europe Minor to wielderfight his penisolate war: nor had topsawyer's rocks by the stream Oconee. We also offer a meeting facility that accommodates up to 100 people – the perfect choice for business meetings, scrapbooking events, grooms' dinners, gift opening parties and quilting retreats.

    AmericInn Lodge and Suites Marshall

 

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