Q: What's Axl Rose's favorite place to play craps?
A: Pair O' Dice City.

Q: What's Parker Posey's favorite chewing gum flavor?
A: Independent cinnamon.

Q: If a girl starts a blog about bra size problems, and it becomes so popular it crashes the server, what does she have?
A: Bandwidth issues.

--Every time lightning strikes a nerd, Gary Gygax rolls in his grave.

--An aging board gamer is on his death bed, and a priest arrives to perform the final rites.

"Do you have any final wishes?" asks the priest. "Something you'd like done for you while you still live?"

The man lifts his head, and gazes around the room.

"A table," he moans. "The largest you can find."

The priest pauses. "That's a strange request," he says. "What does a dying man need with a large table?"

Says the man: "You'll need somewhere to put my Carcassonne."

IMAGE REMOVED - CLICK TO VIEW

They sure are bustin 'em young these days...
earlier today i saw one of those K through 9 unit squad cars.

!!!

A: Why couldnt the pasta enter the sauces house?
B: Gnocchi!

A priest and a rabbi walk into the bar. The priest looks at the rabbi and says, "Hey, why does that horse over there have such a long face?"

Q: What's Axl Rose's favorite place to play craps?
A: Pair O' Dice City.

I have a a lawyer friend who deals with custody cases sometimes and one of the kids in one of her cases was named Pairadice!

That's just a funny true story, not a joke I made up. Sorry.

Q: What do monsters wear to keep their feet dry?
A: Ghouloshes

Doctor: I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Man: Give it to me straight doc.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but you've got a hot tub.

Love the Carcassonne joke, DM. Here's my favorite made up nerd joke.


Q: What do Mark Knopfler and the US economy have in common?

A: They're both in Dire Straits!

My daughter asked me how we know that God is watching us. I said "because of the sun and the moon. The sun and the moon are the eyes of god." My daughter replied: "but, they're so far apart." I said "yes, that's because god has fetal alcohol syndrome."

HAHAHAHAHA

loled

I writed that joke by myself too

Guinan gives dudes boners.

I may not go down in history, but I'll go down on your little sister.

made it onto a shirt even -
IMAGE REMOVED - CLICK TO VIEW

hot

"how many germans does it take to screw in a light bulb??"

"NEIN!"

Only the best clowns get into the canon.

Excellent:

--Every time lightning strikes a nerd, Gary Gygax rolls in his grave.

Not made up, but was told at work:

So there's these three nuns walking down the street, and this flasher walks up to them! Two of them had a stroke, and the last one wouldn't touch it!

Why did the chicken cross the shoe?

To bless its very sole.

or to become soup for its sole

or perhaps the chicken is a priest?

too obvious if the chicken is a priest instead. however, i kinda like this...



why did the chicken cross the road?

because the chicken was a priest.

ohhh man.

that made me laugh really hard.

Video jokes

Man: Who has done all of my drugs?

Charlie Sheen: I am the one who has taken all of your drugs.

Who's a pirate's favorite singer?

Rod Stewart. ARRRRRRRRR!!!

When I was a kid my aunt used to tell me booger jokes, like such as:

Q: What is green and yellow and does figure skating?
A: Peggy Phlegm.

I made up this one:

Q: What is green and yellow and plays football?
A: Mean Joe Greenie.

I made up a joke last night that had my daughter in stitches, she's only 2 (almost 3), but does posses a remarkably sophisticated sense of humor. I got her out of the bath and wrapped her up in a green frog towel. I usually tell her she's a frog when she's all wrapped up in it. She likes to kick her legs out while I carry her to her room, pretending she's jumping. Last night I told her she's jumping like a rabbit. She said, "I'm not a rabbit." But I insisted she was actually a rabbit. She started to get upset, yelling, "No, I'm a froggy!" Then I asked, what does a frog say? "Ribbit ribbit?" Told you you're a ribbit. She laughed for several minutes.

"iceberger's syndrome" for when fat girls take death-from-above/myspace pictures of themselves and they look a normal weight from the neck up. 90% below the surface, etc.

That's brilliant.

trigonalmayhem
3/01/11 10:08 AM

"iceberger's syndrome" for when fat girls take death-from-above/myspace pictures of themselves and they look a normal weight from the neck up. 90% below the surface, etc.

this is totally why i make sure i have at least one or two full pictures. what if i accidentally ended up on a date with some piece of shit like this asshole?

or Percy Miracles.

my wife and I at a play last week:

<i>me (Looking at ads in the Playbill): Hey, it says here a guy named Steven Irwin is starring in a new version of Waiting for Godot. Isn't he the crocodile hunter?"

wife: Pretty sure it's a different guy. The crocodile hunter is dead.

me: Maybe he's playing Godot. <i>

HA CHA CHA

awesome

Decider rolling out the East Coast Elitist Edumacated joke!

And the East Coast Elitist HTMLfail.

Can someone write a joke about how when you're taking a bath and start playing with yourself you can't stay aroused because your wrinkly, raisin-fingers feel like the loving caress of an elderly person.

Or perhaps someone could say that's the only way they can get off.

hahaha, i think that's funny enough as is.

Godot never actually appears in that play

what are they waiting for then?

That's what I said. It's like "dudes, just lave, he's not coming." My version of the play would've been called "Dudes Leaving" and it would have been a lot shorter.

It would be better if there was just no play whatsoever. Totally useless. There's not even, like, a story.

All tweeted at one point or another

I once went a boxing match, and a hip hop awards show broke out.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make you any cooler?

What do you call a nuclear warhead being dropped on a phish concert: brahlocaust

what do you call the milk of mythical beasts?



legend dairy.

what did the inventor say to his lab assistant to get him to take a shower

eureka!

whoa I totally missed the I when you posted that on twitter meatpit. That makes a lot more sense.

Q: what do you call him when zoolander keeps taking your stuff?


A: Ben Stealer!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

In the vain hope that a car might mercifully roll over him.

This thread totally cracked me up!

My niece made this joke when she was 6 or 7, I think. May have posted it here before.

Q: Why did the man throw the fork in the woods?

A: Because it was Throw The Fork In The Woods Day!!

i remember the first joke i made up. i'm not even kidding.

q. what do you call it when you whip some cream with your blanket?

a. whipped cream

to be fair, at this point i was still dragging around a white cotton blanket with big bird on it. i was probably about four? i distinctly remember my cousin jennifer's fake laugh and being mad she didn't think it was funny. she was curling her hair in the mirror. she asked "why do you have to whip it with a blanket?". i didn't really have a good answer for that.

Q: What do you call a king that's crazy and always telling others what to do?



A: Insane Crown Bossy!

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

The Thought Police.

Do it to Julia!

What's a picture of a sore on Santa's anus called?

Polaroid!

Q:How much electricity does it take to power Elmer Fudd's mansion?

A: A watt.

this one needs some work but whatever.

q: whaddya call a farmyard structure that looks like it got bulldozed back to the stone age?

a: barny rubble.

What do you call Dracula doused in garlic?
VAMPIRE WEAKENED

Lots of laughs here, but this thread got me thinking... I laugh an awful lot, but I don't think I've ever made up a joke or even told one to a group or an individual. I must be deficient in something...

What does Zombie Jerry Seinfeld say?

"What's the deal with BRAAAAAAIIINS?"

"Did I ever tell you about this jazz singer that I used to date?"
"no."
"She used to scat in bed"

you're almost there with that one

Did I ever tell you I banged the Ella Fitzgerald Fan Club president?
Yeah, she loved scat.

LOL at Vampire Weakened

after thinking about it for SEVERAL minutess, I've decided I cannot craft a funny joke about Nietzsche and the supermoon/superman. try working with that, inching

A man and a woman are in bed together. The man stands up to use the bathroom and the woman says, "could you get me a glass of water on your way back?" The man says, "the kitchen is out of the way. Why don't you get a glass of water and we'll meet back here?" The woman is annoyed so the man tells her he'll get her some water. When he's in the bathroom, he pees in a cup and gives it to her. "She drinks it and says, "Aaaaahh...thanks for the water." and the man thinks to himself, "I am good at saving time."

You could do it in a Greg Giraldo way:

American's dumb EVERYthing down. Take philosophy for example. Nietzshe's "Übermensch" is a term coined to describe a person free from religious fleetings. American's don't even have a word for that. We translate that into "Superman".. a man who flies around in a bikini, jumping trains and uses his x-ray eyes to be Peeping Tom and look through women's clothing.

My wife via text message right now:
"Ok, bang trim at 4:30, band practice cancelled, not sure what afternoon plans are."

"Bang trim".

That's the first joke in this thread that I don't get.

You gotta look up the trim status thread.

Context: My mother-in-law hates bats. So she's developed this thing with her grandkids where whenever they say "EEE EEE EEE" she says, "Who said that?" and then sneaks up and tries to tickle them on the neck, imitating a bat.


Q: Did you hear what they were saying the other day on the Bat Talk Radio Network?
A: They were talking about the news in Tripoli.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

FSB.

FSB who?

FSB, the fractured and corrupt partial successor to the KGB.

FSB the fractured and corrupt partial successor to the KGB who?

Silence! We protect the interests of state energy corporation Gazprom!

oh wow. did you just bolt right up in bed and run to the computer before you forgot that one?! i love it.!!@#

yall be killin me up in here!!!!

It kid of sounds like someone forgot how that "Ve vill ask ze questions!" joke goes.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Vladimir.

Vladimir who?

Vladimir Putin.

I'm sorry, you can't come in.

If you let me in, I'll give you my $60,000 Patek Philippe watch, which is no big deal for me, since I have a secret $13,000,000,000 stake in Gazprom. If you don't, I will arrange for you to be extrajudicially killed in a not-very-plausibly-deniable manner, ideally involving an exotic poison.

Jesus christ. I am fucking dying over here, warsaw.

Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

A: "See you next month."

you: knock knock
Putin: Who's there?
you: Dmitry Medvedev
Putin: Dmitry Medvedev who?

^^^

From the you-can't-make-this-shit-up department: Putin steals Kraft's superbowl ring

Not really a joke but earlier today I said "fashion is my Passion of the Christ.

Just cause I wanted to make sure those of you who contributed got to see this, reposted from the old timey jokes thread. Thanks so much guys!

1900-1920s jokes come to fruition

danjohnson
4/03/11 7:29 PM

It kid of sounds like someone forgot how that "Ve vill ask ze questions!" joke goes.

I kind of think the original version of this joke works better with the Gestapo than the KGB. Plus, my phony German accent is way better than my phony Russian one.

I told faceman he should change his name to fuckman.

Swag's version of that joke from a party a couple years ago:

Swags: Have you heard the Gestapo joke?

Danjohnson: What?

Swags: ::slaps Danjohnson in the face::

This is the real joke:

makeitgofaster: My wife via text message right now:
"Ok, bang trim at 4:30, band practice cancelled, not sure what afternoon plans are."

Death Mosque: That's the first joke in this thread that I don't get.

makeitgofaster: You gotta look up the trim status thread.






Chance, love the lesbian vampire joke!

Burgerdog got me real good on that face-slapping joke a couple of summers ago. I probably should kick his ass in return someday.

HAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHHA!V YEAH!!

There is an organization that is sympathetic to folks who cannot travel by boat, it's called the Not Sea Sympathizers.

there is a support group by my house for java programmers called not-c sympathizers

A nazi I know told me about people taking ecstasy at Camp Snoopy known as Knott's E sympathizers

i have french friends who cant relate 2 the plights of others so they started a email list called Not Zee Sympathizers

I know this guy who uses tangled up ropes to make music. He's a knots-y symphonizer

If Don Knotts started a business in Spain with someone named Sympathizers, it would be called Knotts y Sympathizers.

But he's dead. That joke don't make no sense.

I would like to backdate that joke to 2005.

So a Jew and an Arab walk into a restaurant. The hostess is all "Table for two?" but the jew and the arab just look at each other and start laughing. The hostess is confused. After a few momenst of chucklin', the jew kindly explains: "Darling, surely you jest. I am a Jew, this man, an Arab. Thousands of years our people have fought. Do you really expect us to share a table?" The hostess smiles and offers them a spot at the bar. The Jew and the Arab look at each other and shrug. Might as well!

So the two fellas sit down at the bar and the bartenders all, "What can I get you?" The Jew asks for a Budweiser, the Arab is not drinking tonight and just orders some cheese fries. After loosening up a bit from food and drink, the Arab asks the Jew a question he's longed to ask for a while. "Schminkle," he says, "Why do you hate my people? What have we ever done to you?" The Jew smiles wistfully and takes a sip of his beer before conjuring up his response. "I wish it were that simple, Achmundo. But the fact is...I don't hate your people! I don't hate any people! The fact of the matter is..."

But Schminkle is distracted by something across the restaurant. Achmundo turns to see the commotion: a horse has walked into the restaurant. The beautiful black steed trots over towards the gentlemen, knocking tables and chairs aside along its way. The beast's pace slows as it approaches the two men, braying softly, the stench of its horsey-breath filling the air. Achmundo turns back to his neighbor and raises his eyebrows, startled. Schminkle chuckles softly. "Reminds of a joke I once heard," he says. "Where's the beef?"

I hope that's just the first in a long line of "Achmundo and Schminkle" jokes.

that was the best thing i've ever read

Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: In Russia, light bulb has brittle glass envelope and poor grade of tungsten metal filament.

What's the difference between a cradle and a coffin?
Seriously, anyone?

pretty big difference. maybe you should google it if you don't know.

drummer: I used to date guitar players but now I only date drummers

friend: really why?

drummer: cause there are no strings attached

That friend must not play music, or they wouldn't have asked.

What do you call a rock rife with metal that has taken to dressing like a sleuthing wildlife photographer?

Oregon Trail!

What Th'!

Here's a sad, un-re-tweeted joke from me last week:

"Home tapering is killing the haircut industry. #fadepirates"

My art history teacher told us this joke yesterday. She made it up.

"A philosopher asks 'Why?'
A scientist asks 'How?'
An artist asks 'Would you like fries with that?'"

I laughed and laughed and laughed.

For those who know a little Christian history:

Jesus and Peter are walking along the shore of the Sea of Galeli before the Last Supper. As numerology was a trusted science in those days, and seeing as this would be the last time he would be able to talk to his Lord, Peter asks Jesus, "Do you see any 2s in my future, Lord?"
Jesus thinks about this for a moment, then smiles: "No, Peter. There are no 2s. Go fish."

Hey, not bad!

lol i like that

I just flew in with my arms.

Take my wife, for example.

Denial is not just a failure to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion or to admit it into consciousness, it is also pronounced similarly to a river in Egypt.

isnt that a kubler-ross line

(When the Viking fullback was arrested in miami for drug possession)

What was Leroy Hoard doing in South Beach with all those muscle relaxers?
He heard it was bi week.

lol!!

what are the most grim and necro birds?

EMPEROR PENGUINS

I just have to share this because I'm really proud of myself.

I started joking around about Viagra with my boss, who's around 60, and a new/young rep guy at the office. The young guy mentions that a new study showed use of Viagra over a few years can make it impossible to get a natural erection.

Then I pointed at my boss and said "Heads up Mike! OR NOT!!" And ran out of his office.

I'm pretty proud of myself.

viagra enthusiasts everywhere are even more bummed

What do white trash sheep say?

Bawitdabahhhhhhh

What does a cosmonaut order at Starbucks?

A Soyuz latte.

I'm pretty sure latte orders cosmonaut.

So a jew, a catholic and a Buddhist walk into a bar, and boy why the long face?

My buddy said this the other night: "I like to think of my xenophobia as courage."

Q: What is a pirate's favorite letter?

A: P (for pirate)

I would have thought the answer was "R."

hahahahaha RQotM!!!!! I love it

Savage Clone
6/02/11 4:29 PM I would have thought the answer was "R."

And P is like a one legged R which would likely remind the pirate of his own lost leg. Strange news indeed.

You must have a really convoluted way of handling mnemonic devices or archiving.

...and the pirate says "Yargh, it's drivin' me crazy."

you think it be the R, but its the C he be lubbin

I just made this one up for kobbybhans's comedy writing thread...


An eel slithers into a bar, sees a pretty lady and climbs the seat next to her. The eel says, "Hey baby, wanna have an eel good time." Lady says, "Absolutely" in this real sultry voice. She stands up, grabs the eel by the tail, walks across the bar and swinging the eel like a bat proceeds to bash out every window in the place. The lady walks back to the bar and tosses the bloodied eel on the seat next to her. “Why did you do that?” gasps the dying fish. “I disagree with the mores around here.”

The thing about puns is they don't get funnier with a longer setup.

without defending my joke i'll just say i disagree with you, see Norm MacDonald's moth joke for example.

People spell my last name wrong even when it's Bahn

well, as the history of my posts will attest, i don't really proofread my posts. i consider this informal communication and don't really care too much about spelling, unless it opens the door to a joke, of course. but i am sorry to spell your name wrong.

It's a shaggy-dog story, a time-honored format. I like how yours starts and ends with a pun, and has surreal violence in the middle.

knock knock
whos there
christ or fries jkoe

haha i knew you had it in ya zsa zsa!

i had to count the syllables on my fingers, but i have determined that was definitely not a haiku.

A shepherd and a sheep are walking over a hill and the sheep grumbles something under its breath.

"What was that?" says the shepherd.

"YOU HEARD ME!" says the sheep.

What's long, hard, and full of seamen?

The Saturn V of Apollo 12, with its all-Navy crew.

Just the tip.

haha

For the record, I considered that angle and decided to proceed anyway.

what's the difference between a 3-way in a public restroom and a successful marriage?



I've never had a successful marriage.

Wanna hear a clean joke?

I took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Bubbles was Michael Jackson's chimpanzee and afterward we 69ed to "Man in the Mirror."

What's the difference between jelly and jam?


You can't jelly a dick up shugE's ass.

When I was in the 2nd grade I made up the two following jokes:

Q: Why did the car die?
A: It had a Cadillac Arrest.

Q: What did the beached whale say?
A: Long time no sea.

I was pretty proud of those at the time.

what is scarier than a Somalian driving a car?







savage clone

Q: What's the difference between a Somalian driver and a three-way in a public restroom?

A: In Russia, cellphone jams shugE up your ass.

Years ago, while visiting my folks and grandparents, we
were having a nice dinner and my ma was asking me what she
should do with all of my stamp collecting books (which started
out as hers) and my grandma said to my ma "oh weren't those your
collector books?" to which my ma said "yes, but susan was quite the
philatelist for awhile and took them over."
At which point, my stupid, inappropriate brain compelled me to say in
a jokey-joke way "but i've never fellated anyone ever!"

no laughing. just horrible, awkward silence.

followed by apologies.



(my pop told me later he thought it was really funny)

ouch. tough room.

If you had told me, back when Str8 Outta Compton was released in 1988, that in 2011, Dr. Dre, with a skinny white rapper from Detroit named "M&M," would end up releasing a silly, yet Billboard Hot 100 number-four hit song called "I Need A Doctor," in order to once again refresh the white man's career, I would have said "Who's Doctor Dre? Is he nice? My Doctor is nice. He gives me a sucker after I get a shot. I'm 9-and-a-half; how old are you? Do you like airplanes? I build model airplanes. The B-17 Flying Fortress is my favorite. I'm going to be a baseball pitcher when I grow up."

Now that's a knee slapper!

once someone asked me, "what's good on pizza but bad on pussy?"

"a yeast infection?"

one i made up as a kid:

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Guess

Guess Who?

I thought I told you to guess me first

That reminds me of the one I made up:

Knock Knock

Who's There?

The

The Who?

No, the Doobie Brothers

Knock Knock.

Who's There?

Killdozer.

Killdozer who?

answer.

jawknee
7/01/11 3:20 AM
ouch. tough room.

such a tough room.

Inspired by the "Louis C.K.'s dumb jokes" thread, and after I thought about a minute, has a connection to a recent episode of Louie:

What do you call the room in your house where you poop and cook food?

-The shitchen.

I've got an affliction.

What did Shaq say to Big Foot?


Have you seen Dad?

danjohnson
6/09/11 12:27 PM

The thing about puns is they don't get funnier with a longer setup.

that depends on which side of the pun you're on.

A group of Danish computer programmers are working diligently to create a new computer programming language. The tentative name is D--




^^ Was A LOT funnier when I woke up this morning and made it up.

Have you seen that new sitcom about chemical weapons? It's called The Sarin Silverman Program. It's on VX.

noice.

Q:Why are mathematicians doomed to dance like old white men?

a:All they have are Al Gore rhythms.

What's quirky, maybe a little precious, and armed with four MK108 30mm cannon in its nose?

A Messersmith 262.



What do you get when anything that could go wrong making a shredded-cabbage salad does?

Murphy Slaw.

This is exclusively for the mrmb:

What's the difference between the antichrist and an anarchist?

TAI.





Yeah... it's not terribly funny even if you listen religiously to that npr word show on the weekend.

I'm curious how this amazing joke came to you, jawknee. Was it more like a Kubrickian exercise in rigor and control spun out over years until it approached perfection, or did it just spring from your head fully-formed like Athena?

Q: What does shit taste like?

A: You tell me.... because I'm implying that you eat it regularly.... and like it... the taste of shit.

hahahaha

Q. If you went camping with someone and you woke up one morning with a headache and your ass hurt, would you tell anyone?

A. Yes. In fact, I already did, and you're now in a scopolamine and sleep deprivation-enhanced interrogation and have for all intents and purposes confessed.

warsawpactarmor, a week or two ago I saw the two words together in a sentence and noticed how similar they were. I saw that the only difference was the t, a and i and made the connection with the mrmb meme. Then I had lunch.

Q: What could possibly be better than a store that sells all things fart-related?

A: When everything in that store is ffffffrrrrrrfffffffttttthffffifty plplplpppprrcent off.


The joke sounds better than it reads, believe me.

So, the latter. Anyway, made my evening, thanks!

Also...excuse me!

what about the r?

Q: Why couldn't the cops charge known cannibal Jazzy Jeff with Will Smith's murder?

A: He left no fresh prints behind.

Smith's parents couldn't understand how such a thing could happen in a just world

You know how Rodney Dangerfield said that he got no respect? Well, I get even less!

best typo ever!

I'm loving the stupid jokes mutant! I am not being sarcastic (seriously, I'm not)

Hitler and Bob Dylan are having dinner in a fancy restaurant. After a while, Hitler looks around agitatedly and says "Am I crazy, or is it hot in here?" Dylan takes off his sunglasses, puts them back on and eventually replies "Neither, man...neither."

What's up with airline food anyhow? It is not very good.

Alternate ending to warsaw's:

"Of course it's hot in here. We're in hell. And you are spending eternity with me for company.

Oh, and this is just a really upscale Jewish deli."

Why do fat guys always wear Hawaiian shirts?

Because they think they are Tom Selleck.

revised version, dedicated to paul_f.

Hitler, Bret Easton Ellis, and Niles Crane are having dinner at a "fancy" restaurant. After the waiter brings their appetizers (caprese flatbread, $7.35, mussels di Napoli, $10.25, bruschetta, $6.95), Hitler asks Dr. Crane "So, despite the fact that you disapprove of Freud's conclusions, you still consider Civilization and its Discontents to be a more important work than Mein Kampf?" Niles replies "Oh, absolutely, by orders of magnitude." He discreetly glances at his watch (Vacheron Constantin Patrimony chronograph in white gold, $41,150), turns to Ellis and says "If any of Maris's cronies see me leaving an Olive Garden, I'll never hear the end of it at the wine club."

"This joke is not funny," as a punchline does wear out eventually.

You obviously haven't seen the Unknown Comic.

I obviously haven't laughed, at least.

'i was up there visiting that charlie manson the other day and he sez to me: "is it hot in here or am i just crazy" '

I arrived in hell and wouldn't ya know Anne Frank wades up to me in a pool of fire and says, "Is it hot in here or am I just crazy?"

Q: What do kids get served at Lutheran summer camp?

A: A Diet of Worms.

You guys know who the most maddeningly indecisive tyrant of all time was, don't ya?

Stalin!

The history books aren't lenin much creedence to your arguments.

You'll forgive me for not putin much stock in your opinion.

OH GOD

Yuri II person to tell me this but Ivan gone and checked Wikipedia.

IMAGE REMOVED - CLICK TO VIEW

IMAGE REMOVED - CLICK TO VIEW

People who make puns should be kruschevied.

That's Assad excuse for a pun.

These pretzels are making me thirsty

Don't get salty.

My mother has told me to take the Gorbachev to the dumpster.

racist.

Hey, if "the shoe" fits



It is the Kruschev shoe

...Andropov some friends at the lake.

I thought it was Cosby kids at the pool?

You guys tsar terrible at this.

this is the best thing i have ever been a part of

Yeah, these are totally hitting the marx.

I agree Leon Trotsky.

Q: What must you do to a grape before you make it into communion wine?

A: De-vine it.

What happened when God heard his son was turning water into wine? He organized a divine intervention.

What's the most striking part of Bono's house?

The unforgettable foyer.

I just flew into a violent rage and boy are my arms tired.

I just flew in from Dresden, and boy, did I arguably just help perpetrate a horrifying war atrocity!

Take my life, please.

Why did the bloodhound chase the thief into the Electronics Boutique in 1998?

He was after Descent.

Q: Why was the gay couple unable to adopt after years of trying?

A: They were in prison.

While on holiday in the north of France, Sartre went into a cafe for breakfast. When the meal arrived, he found delicacies he'd never seen before, and upon trying them, he was immediately in love with the food. The breakfast went on for many courses, and included sorbets and liquers, but when at last Sartre's favorite breakfast item, toast, arrived, he was mortified to find that they were topped not with fruit jelly, but with eggs. He immediately became revolted, and could eat not another bite.

The manager of the cafe took note of his unhappiness and approached him.

"Was the meal not to your liking?" asked the manager.

"It was splendid," said Sartre sourly, gazing at the toast.

"Did you find the service slow or rude?" asked the manager.

"They were fast as homing rabbits," said Sartre, unable to turn his disgusted gaze from his toast, upon which a slab of egg was cooling.

"So you're happy with the morning's affairs, then?" asked the manager.

"No!" roared Sartre. "I'm absolutely mortified and outraged by this abomination." He pointed his crooked finger at the toast.

"But sir, that is how we dress our toast in these parts. And in any case, it is only toast. The merest of our offerings. In what way could such an inconsequential thing turn your delight into disgust?"

Sartre rose and took his hat and coat and said "Eggs just ain't jelly," and departed without paying.

Kudos.

i don't get it do i have to say it aloud or something? i tried that

"Eggs Just Ain't Jelly"





















"Ex Xus Ain Tielly"





















"Existentially"

i appreciate the attempt a lot but the j in just makes me cringe.

sweet

J is a first world nuisance.

my openly gay co-worker said he didn't like "Inception" because there weren't enough hot guys in it.
I said "Who are you? Siskel and Gaybert?"

more.

i like when others pun all over themselves.

Q why did the little boy fall off the swing?
A because he had no arms


-coworker jake says his friend made this joke up. i only laughed a little.

What does it take to be your best everyday?

[let them answer]

No, you're your best when you do the opposite of what you just said. Do exactly the inverse of the things you described you thought it would take for you to be the best you. It's because at heart you're a terrible person.


Joke best told by Norm MacDonald.

Something something something "octopai wall street."

Seriously, help me out. I can not get this pun off the ground.

-knock knock
-who's there
-joke band
-joke band who?
-yours sucks

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hell yes

there's a shitload of pictures if you do a google image search for octopi wall street

Exquisite.

I don't get the We Are The 97% sign. Can someone explain it to me?

kobbbbbbyyyyyy ....

here kobby

invertebrae make up roughly that

The caption on the image can, I think.

hahahaha wow. I am a dunce.

I'm sorry.

invertebrae are 97% of the animals

more like invertebro, amirite?

The plural of octopus is octopuses.

What's the plural of pedant?

one classical music enthusiast asks another:

would you like to accompany me to a performance of mendelssohns violin concerto?

to which the other replies:

sadly i must decline, for i am baroque.

Pesdant. Like attorneys general.

"If it ain't baroque, don't fix it" is one of my favorite sayings of all time.

Flat Baroque and Berzerk by Roy Harper is a really good album

Q: How did the hockey player's girlfriend make him cry?

A: By missing a period.

This joke could be easily refitted to be about copy editors.

or internet message board grammar police people. But I imagine a lot of stuff makes those types of people cry.

What did the scarecrow say to the birds anxiously hovering around his cornfield? "Eat what you want, I'm stuffed!"

I am really glad I started this thread.

Q. Where did the sports guy go to get his sports stuff?
A. Sports place

hahahahahaha. I'm not sure why but that one cracked me up shane o

; )

I don't get it.

It's a sports thing.

It's a sports thing.

Jocks.

gimme yr lunch money

YES

Q: What does the popular R&B group Kriss Kross do on a trampoline?

A: Jump around

Q. What's the first thing Barack Obama did when he got in the White House?

A. Took off his shoes

JRN
10/19/08 6:48 PM

I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

This is more of a standup type situation but..

"So I recently lost 40 lbs"

*claps*

"My wife just died"

Q. Who's God's favorite Dixie Chick?

A. Aileen Wuornos

hahahahahaha

thanks kobby, I'm here all day!

keep going, man, keep going. These are my kind of jokes!

TVAsEyes
2/24/12 12:49 PM

This is more of a standup type situation but..

"So I recently lost 40 lbs"

*claps*

"My wife just died"

wtf was your wife three years old?

She was a torso-only.

Q. Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
A. Who the fuck keeps a single cookie in a jar?

Holy shit, shane.

Q. Which actor portrayed James Bond for only one film?

A. Roger "Leave Them Wanting" Moore

The best jokes end with IMO, IMO

Q: What do Shane Shiner's last few jokes have in common with someone who is trying to enjoy a sip of their cold beverage?

A: They are both grasping for straws. IMO.

no way man Osama's body is some of my strongest material IMO

George Lazenby only played James Bond once, you goon.

oh I'm sorry I didn't know jokes were facts bro

i know i've seen a comedian do a bit about that.

How are people supposed to guess the answer if it is incorrect?

Also something I would yell.

Some of my favorite jokes are lying about stupid little things that no one would ever think someone would lie about so really it's only funny to me because no one else knows it's even a joke. IMO.

oh yeah, it was neil hamburger at the turf a few months ago when someone was shouting out responses to his rhetorical question type jokes.

Oh yeah! I was sitting right next to that girl. I think he made a joke about white powder under Britney Spears nose and she yelled out Cocaine! She looked so embarrassed!

Comedians usually have a prize if you can guess all of their answers. $30 bar tab is the most common one.

I hear Dave Grohl wrote that Foo Fighters song "Big Me" about himself from the perspective of Peter Dinklage!

shane shiner
2/24/12 2:44 PM

Q. What site holds the largest mass grave in history?

A. Myspace!!!!!!!!

Wow!

So, have you been saving these up or are you just on an incredible roll?

My guess is shane shiner had one serious Coffee Achiever Friday.

I feel like everyone is being sarcastic

Naw son, you were on fire yesterday. Call the fire department. Because you're on fire. Or at least were.

Probably caused by smoking in bed.

airloom came up with this one:


Q. Why would a dick have wheels?

A. To get to the other side



(you had to be there, man)

I get you guys mixed up, what with your awesome jokes and glasses.

Q. What was Zom-Zom's favorite sport?

A. Rifle Sport

A2. HAHAHA

Harumph.

Q. Why did God ask Noah to build an ark?

A. Because God's an anti-semite

Q: Who killed Laura Palmer?

A: I think it was her dad.

Q: Why did Jesus bring his bamboo spoon on the cruise ship?
A: He wanted to "wok" on water.

Q: Why did Jesus give his bamboo spoon to Lou Reed
A: He heard he wanted to "wok" on the wild side.

Q: Why did Jesus ring his bamboo spoon to Jurassic Park?
A: He wanted to 'wok" the dinosaurs.

Q: What was Jesus doing with Marc Cohn in Tennessee?
A: "Wok"ing in Memphis.

Q: Why did Jesus bring his bamboo spoon to Memphis
A: He wanted to "wok" like an Egyptian.

Q: Why did Jesus invite Little Miss Muffet and Steven Tyler to his hut.
A: He wanted to "wok" this whey.

woka woka

What does Michael Valentine use to make stir fry?

His gwok.

Have you been to that Chinese restaurant run by Hoth Snowtroopers? It's called the Imperial Wokker.

Q: I went for a wok?
A: Yes, I am Chinese.

What do you call someone who says mean things in their sleep? A hypnogogic Jerk!

Q. Why did the train stop running?

A. HEYY SOuULL SISTERRr

Q: What do you get when you cross the R+B group Salt-N-Pepa with Mexican folklore?

A: Shoopacabra

Q: What did Frodo say when a debt collector called him on his landline?
A: "I wish the ring had never come to me."

Q: Did you hear about the baseball player from Seattle who's into BDSM?

A: He's a submariner.

hahahahh DM

Q. Where did Chris Brown go after the Grammys?

A. Hell

Here's a worse way for a reference point: Willem Dafive (5), because he thinks he's so much gweatew (GREATER) than he and Willem Dathwee (3)

Q: What's the difference between ice fishing and ice fisting?

A: Nothing. There is no difference.

Q: Why was the judge pale?

A: Because he was so fair.

I've heard that one before, but with something about sunburn as the set up.

Q: How much ice cream did the judge eat?

A: A quart.

haha

Q: How much ice cream did the geometry teacher eat?

A: A cone

Q: Before his political career, President Johnson was in hispanic porn. What was his screen name?

A: El B.J.

Q. How much ice cream did René Magritte eat?

A. Ce n'est pas crème glacée.

Q: What state is the baked goods capital of USA?

A: Wisconesin

Connecrossaint

Q. Why did Superman quit his day job?

A. His boss was a dick

Q. What is Batman's favourite movie?

A. Guano with the wind.

This ain't your parents' comic strip!



It's not? This is Doonesbury.

I hate the drawings.. the dumb square noses.

Q: What did Superman say to the horse that just walked into the bar?

A: Why the long face?

humanizing Superman

The Jewish man resolved to never return to the Gentile locker room.

Why not?

No one would tell him what the big flap was all about.

Q. Who prepared the meals for Al Queda before the Nine Eleven terrorist attacks?

A. Osama bin Ladle

FIRST

Q. What were Genghis Khan's last words?

A. "Tell...Bobby...Freaky Deeky...must...go...onnnxzccx"

Q: Who advocates for the issues and concerns of the waiting rooms and entry ways across the nation?

A: The North American Lobby Lobby

Q: Which popular singer-songwriter's music do Jamaicans find the most discouraging in its banality?
A: Paul Sigh, Mon

Q. Who wrote the night?

A. N1CK5

hahahahaha

Q: What did the Oyster with no pearls say to the Oyster with two pearls who refused to give one up?

A: Stop being so shellfish

Q: Why did the curator replace all his Picassos with Van Goghs?

A: He had a change of art.

Q: why didn't the Pashtun warlord want any green u.s. army blankets?

A: cuz his favorite afghanistan.

I love this thread a lot. Just caught DM's great grok reference. So deep!

A tweet-repeat, since Howie said he pictured me saying it in front of a brick wall:


A lotta my bros ask me who's at the top of my Celebrity Fuck List. The answer?

Rick Santorum! Fuck that guy, man!!

Q: What kind of computer fucks good?

A: Wang.

Definitely not MICROSOFT KA-BOOOOM

Q: What's a nose's favorite kind of sandwich?


A: Grilled sneeze.

q: why shouldn't you make fun of a bus driving in circles?

a: because it takes one to no one.

not my best material but hey.

So a Drummer walks into a bar and says 1-2-3-4! Told behind a drum set in a bar. I think its so funny.

Q: Why didn't Gertrude Stein vote for William Taft?

A: She was a broad at the time.

What kind of trim does Golden Earring get in space?

Moon Tang

Q: Hey there, fella. What do you think of Lodger-era Bowie?

A: I think it kinda Belew.

one time, and then a fuckem pepperface!

YO, BITCH!

give me back my fuckem corm!

winner?

i am first prize

What do you call a family restaurant chain where Bruce Willis plays space rock?

Hard Rock Hudson Hawkwind

Did you guyses hear what song Justin Timberlake sang at Dick Clark's funeral?

Dick In a Box!

Baby onesie that reads "Daddy's Li'l Squirt"

I had a good one last week. We were going to the Food Court, to which I replied it is the court where everyone is found guilty of crimes against gastronomy. That's gold right there.

You should have your own tv show.

It would be so full of laughs.

That was hilarious. You guys really shoulda been there. He actually just said "Food court. Where everyone is found guilty." before revisal which I think is even better in its somber simplicity.

Gothcomic.net

You're correct. I augmented the original joke a minute later. Perhaps the laughter would be increased with less of a description.

Instead of a gavel, the judge at Food Court could bang a chicken leg.

"Order! Order in the court! What is it you want to order in the Food Court!"

Zom, I know you don't like LA but if you give me the go-ahead I'm ready to pitch FOOD COURT to all the tv execs they got

I need to be the judge.

and burrito-cutioner

Judge, jerky, AND exefoodgineer.

-Q: What type of tradesmin saws logs while asleep?

A: A slumberjack

-Q: Where did the coach put his baseball cards?

A: He took 'em!

-Q: Why was one member of The Beatles named 'Ringo'?

A: Because he goed to the ring.

-Q: How many people am I?

A: I am at least three people.

-Q: Help.

A: Help me.

I thought I made up a really cool joke last week, but then I googled it and found out that someone else came up with it long ago"

Q. What do you call someone who's sexually attracted to chickpeas?
A. A Hummusexual

Q. What was the Soviet tank commander's favorite Bob Fosse movie?

A. Star T-80


Q. What kind of cologne does Vercingetorix wear?

A. Gaultier


Q. Why did Karl Marx call James Bond?

A. Because there was a S.P.E.C.T.R.E. haunting Europe.


Q. What's stainless steel's favorite Bible verse?

A. John 316L.

Q. How did Kurt Cobain answer the traveling insurance salesman?

A. "I'll try anything once!"

alright i will tell you a joke that i wrote for the time i was going to dress up as an 80 year old man and do stand up comedy using the name schmechel goldmanstein at acme's open mic night. I showed up late and consequently gave up forever. Here it is:

I am so old, when I was a kid, we didn't have Wheel of Fortune. Of course we didn't have Wheel of Fortune, the wheel hadn't even been invented yet. So we only had of fortune

Gold. I know. That's why I was going to call myself Goldmanstein

haha

I'm so old that when I was a kid Apple just called IEEE 1394 "Wire".

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excellent feedback so far

Man there wasn't any parade when I came home from the Navy. People spat and called me "baby drowner"

I thought it was funny, but I didn't have anything to say besides "Hahaha."

THANK YOU DAN

Q. what is the best pasta dish to serve at a heavy metal concert?


A. moshtaccioli

:(

Q: Why should you never make a mistake in a perfect vacuum?

A: Because there is no room for air.

I don't mean to quibble, but isn't "room for air" ALL there is in a perfect vacuum?

FACED!

Hm. Relocate the setup to a gas chamber, maybe?

Or some sort of container completely filled with water?

Fuck all these guys and stand your ground, DM! The connotation of "room" is allowance, not space.

Q: Why is the outdoors covered in dirt?

A: Nature abhors a vacuum.

laff

As told by the General Counsel of Safeway to the annual meeting of Shareholders:

You know, this is the season when companies and other institutions are interested in enhancing their reputation and their image for the general public, and one of the institutions that's doing this is the Secret Service, particularly after the calamity in Colombia. And among the instructions given to the Secret Service agents was to try to agree with the president more and support his decisions. And that led to this exchange that took place last week, when the president flew into the White House lawn and an agent greeted him at the helicopter.

The president was carrying two pigs under his arms and the Secret Service agents said, "Nice pigs, sir."

And the president said, "These are not ordinary pigs, these are genuine Arkansas razorback hogs. I got one for former Speaker Nancy Pelosi and one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton."

And the Secret Service agent said, "Excellent trade, sir."

Where did the court order the abortion doctor to go to learn how to store his biplane?

Hanger management

J Low, I heard the same joke but it was George W. Bush talking to Marine Corps guards and the pigs were taken in trade for Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney.

It's a pretty versatile president joke, actually.

Saddam Hussein steps out of his armored Mercedes 500 at his command bunker in Basra and is saluted by two Republican Guard members. He has a lamb under each arm, and one of the Republican Guard troops says "Nice lambs, sir!" Hussein says "These are not ordinary lambs, they are Euphrates delta prize lambs. I got one for Ali Hassan Al-Majid and one for Muhammad Said Al-Sahaf." The Republican Guard soldier says "Good trade, sir!

Oroku Saki emerges out of a sewer grate in front of Foot Clan Headquarters and is saluted by two Foot Soldiers. He has a warthog under one arm and a rhinoceros under the other, and one of the Foot guys says "Nice animals, sir!" Shredder says "These are not ordinary animals, they ate some ooze or whatever. I got them for these two punks I kidnapped." The Foot man says "Good trade, sir!

Hahaha

A+

not really a joke, but last night i referred to shooting yourself in the mouth as "eating a russian olive"

Sad Climber Killed By Falling Boulder; Depressed man hit rock bottom

last night i ordered a pizza and then left but wanted to bring some pizza to my two friends and i had this really funny idea of putting the pizza in my wallet like it was money. haha it is still really funny to me and i can't stop giggling about it, but anyways, my purse is soaked in grease and full of pizza toppings and all my money tastes good now.

The last three posts are really something.

If you were an angle, you would be OBTUSE (emphasis mine)

what vd did tiger woods contract?







the golf clap

lol



Where does Dracula buy his fishing tackle?

The store!

Why did Bob Marley eat a raw egg every morning upon waking?

He was too stoned to cook it correctly.

When did Eric Clapton realize he had the Blues?
spoiler
When he drank the blood of the Bluesman he had killed with his bare hands.

i didnt know toddlers could be bluesmen.

Why is Britney Spears' vagina like a cave?

There are people who want to enter it.

Why is Britney Spears' vagina like a cave?

It has stalagmites and stalagtites.

Why is Britney Spears' vagina like a cave?

Only dicks care.

Why are the beds in a Luftwaffe POW camp like a cave?

They have Stalag mites.

Q. Where did George Bush get the idea for the war on terror?

E. That book he was reading when the 9/11 towers came down

D. TAI

warsaw, you deserve a Peabody. I can't give that to you, but instead you can have all of my old soccer trophies. I'm keeping the ones that say "Participant" though.

Q: How do you measure the noise an individual is making while applauding?

A: Test for decibels per clapita

Gahhhhhhhh kob bobbler strikes again

Isn't it "cock gobbler"?

Clapclapclapclap

What do you call a light-bulb set deep within a cave?
- Stalag light.

What do you call someone who tells jokes like that and thinks they're actually clever?
- Steve.

What do you call an obnoxious upper-class person who acts "gangster"?
- Doug.

What do you call a light-bulb set deep within a cave beneath a Soviet prison camp?
- Stalag light.

We're getting our Nazi POW camps confused with our Soviet labor camps.

"Trotters Bakery Cafe in Saint Paul, located on Cleveland and Marshall, has a screen door that is always propped open about a half an inch throughout the summer months, but they have no flies buzzing around their kitchen; why?"

"Because the food at Trotters Bakery Cafe is that terrible."

whatz the deal with Airline food?

So I heard that Branford Marsalis has gone like, totally Libertarian, and is releasing a very anti-Obama, pro-free market political record of piano and vocal compositions called Saxed Enough Already.

bravo

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what those two said. you're on fire today YITH!

Craig Finn appears to like it.

But what do you think of it?

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I have no sense of humor. I thought this was well-documented.

Naw, brah. That's your bespectacled bandmate.

He's a laugh riot.
And two of them have spectacles.

I wasn't being sneerious.

JERK

what do you call an octopus with 18 legs?



old enough to buy cigarettes

i was gonna guess "my 18 boyfriends"

Imagine how many quarters it would be able to retrieve.

18 quarters. That's 4.50. Not a small amount in this day and age.

$4.50 will get you a pack of cigarettes if you're not picky about the brand.

what do HIPSTERS use to SURF the internet

the modern radio message BOARD

^actually p true.

"I get all my news from the board."

what kind of beer do they drink on "family matters"?

pilsner URKEL!!!

a t.rex was pushing a wheelbarrow FULL of garbage down the road and this pteranodon walked up with a broken tape deck and said "hey, do you have any room on there for this?" The t.rex said "sure. troodon."

How do you stop five Soviet soldiers from looting a castle in eastern Germany in 1945?

Attempt to distract them with some game or other activity they might be expected to like.

Dink: What do you call it when a protozoa has a good time reproducing?

Duff: I dunno, what?

Dink: Joy division!

Why did Howler play at the skate park?

Because there was a sign that said "No bikes allowed."

hahaha. excellent.

hahaha

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i don't get it

yes you do.

oh ok

Intended for vocal fry thread.

ha! sorry, DM, i thought you were referencing the howler joke. i was in fast mode and forgot about boris' post.

what do you call it when a woman shows up to take the bar exam topless?

titty bar

What's the invasive species in Minnesota that causes Anglophones to get into fisticuffs in bathrooms?

Purple loo-strife.

im making tzimmes for xmas dinner tomorrow.

Did you hear that Prince is brewing a canadian style lambic beer?
It's called Raspberry Beer, Eh?

haha Yith reminded me of that one I made up a while ago.

Wife walks in on husband chainsawing a brand new wheelchair in half. Wife asks "What the hell are you doing?" Husband replies, "It's for your dad." The wife objects, "honey he just had a stroke, what's he going to do with that?"

Husband retorts, "But you told me he was paralyzed on one side!"

6.5/10

realized how funny it is to replace the word 'banana' with the word 'vagina'

chocolate-dipped frozen vagina
vaginas foster
vaginaphone by raffi

so on

What's Michael Palin's favorite holiday song?

"It's...Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas"

fucking genius

I'm thinking about going to do some open mic night thing. If anybody does that sort of thing, let me know because I gotta just do it!

Here's the joke I last wrote: How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Well just two of course... but good luck finding a light bulb large enough to accommodate that kind of thing

"So, what's the deal with Seinfeld?"

that's the joke about nothing

Did you hear about the new font co-designed by Page Hamilton and James Hetfield? It's called Helmetica.

oh no you di'nt.

I bet that is one ugly font.

A cheap knock-off of Zepfino.

why did Barack Obama get impeached?

because of Mitt Romney

Why did downtown flood?

Because Uncle Jam was crying because he had to work.

ghaha

that one hit too close to home :'(

Look out, downtown. Here comes round 2.

What did Robin say when asked what Frederick Barbarossa's title was?

"Holy Roman Emperor, Batman!"

Haha

oh, he was talking to Batman

Yeah, presumably, but if I had included more exposition it might have damaged the delicate architecture of the joke.

He could have also been a Batman.

It could have been Robin Trower

So how do you know Robin again?

He is Robin's butcher. Once he made a mistake and sold him a turkey when he should have Got Ham (Gotham, get it?)

gnarly dude

He was going to someone's Bat Mitzvah so turkey was actually more appropriate in that particular situation in which you are referring to.

One time Robin was going to please everyone so he roasted a Turkey. Unfortunately he didn't know his fowl and cooked a bat instead. Batman was rather upset because there wasn't enough food to go around.

we should get michael rappaport to post in here about his career.

It would have to take place in the city of Batman, Turkey.

Why did Batman go to jail?

For assault and bat-ery

That's horrible he would do something like that.

a guy farts
AWESOME JOKE BRAHS LOL

batman farted

lol

i actually did lol. kudos.

A blind man walks into a bat.

Whoops that was supposed to say bar. My apologies. Joke ruined.

Hahah

This whole thread makes me so mad, because so many of these jokes could be funny with only small changes.

MAKE THEM.

The name 'Bruce' is pretty funny. Someone make a Bruce joke!

Who is green and has a butler named Alfred.

Bruce Parsley

Bruce Spruce!

I came up with the idea for a shirt for a restaurant called "Big Richard's Sausage Restaurant" and their slogan is "You can't MASTURBATE Richard's PENIS!"

Then I came up with this shirt idea, which I made a mock up for thanks to some online t shirt company. IMAGE REMOVED - CLICK TO VIEW

So you can't because Richard doesn't want you to, or because it just doesn't work?

Or maybe he's so busy boning you won't get a chance.

This could happen anywhere :<
A: Hello, this is the doctor!
B: Doctor, this is finally happening.
A: What is it? Your pregnance or your mental illness? Do one or the other. I've golf in the morning. Why did I give you my home number?

Randy, do you know Casey from National Bird? I think you guys would be bffs.

I do. Haven't seen him in a long time. I like that guy.

JOKEHUMORTOWNTIME:

So one time I had to go have a doctor office visit. The Doctor told me he would need samples of semen, urine, poop and blood. So then I just handed him my under pants!

You did not make that up, it's an old joke about an old guy that can't hear at the doctor, and the old lady says to the old man "HE SAID HE NEEDS A PAIR OF YOUR SHORTS".

SHAME on you for claiming authorship.

shame farted

zom just Joe Roganed you, Mencia's Axe

Q
what it an electronic music fan's favorite foods

A
kraftwerk macaroni and cheese
and Pie a la depeche mode

that one reminds me of a joke a student told me recently:

Q: what food do they serve at all-night dance parties?
A: RAVE-ioli

Turl my dad told me that joke :(

ugh so pathetic

hta41m

Q: Where does the term "power trio" originate from?

A: The power tree.

You guys are all a bunch of fucking idiots.

heard that somewhere else too

I'm sure you've heard it a lot.

Nice setup, paul!

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What's a punks favorite color?

OI!-nge

I dunno if I made that up or not.

Why did Mickey feel shame

Because Minnie caught him mouseturbating.

What movie did Mickey rent last summer?

Leaving Las Vegas

Why did Bulwinkle feel shame?

Because Rocky caught him mooseturbating...to the Sears catalog.

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Yes, that was a primary influence

moesturbating

Follow up to warsaw's:

What is Bullwinkle's favorite band?

The Strokes

i was hanging out with my parole officer friend last week and we were talking about how one parolee had not been convicted of a murder even though his DNA was all over the body.

one person said " how on earth did he get off?"
and i said "probably by choking her"

so terrible. sorry.

Heard this at work today:

President Dubya is sitting at his desk in the Oval Office reading a newspaper and sees the headline "Four Brazilian Soldiers Killed". Immediately he starts crying. An aide enters the office and asks the President why he's crying.

He looks up from the paper and asks the aide "How many is a Brazilian again?"

that "Brazilian" one is a big hit on birthday cards. there is an obama one too with the exact same punch line.

Yeah, I suppose that could be applied to a lot of jokes. Never heard it before.

zsa zsa gabored
2/22/13 1:57 PM

i was hanging out with my parole officer friend last week and we were talking about how one parolee had not been convicted of a murder even though his DNA was all over the body.

one person said " how on earth did he get off?"
and i said "probably by choking her"

so terrible. sorry.

woah i loled hard

Your momma/pappa is so dumb you have to explain a double entendre three times.

Nice work zsa zsa

Your mom and dad are so dumb I had to explain a triple entendre while I was having sex with both of them at the same time.

To be fair, his wang was in your mouth at the time.

Wang. I have not heard that word in a long time.

Andrew Dice called and wants his slang back.

I used to use the word "wang" all the time before I decided that "dong" was funnier.

That's not a decision you get to make.

Don't sleep on "wang." It has it's own thing.

These seem to be decisions we all make together as a culture. Like when we stopped saying "doy" or "nads".

It was God's Decision

That one got me right in the gonads

I simply refuse to acknowledge "dong"'s cultural supremacy over "wang."

Neither has the cachet of "dick" or "cock," of course, but to state that "dong" and "wang" aren't, essentially, tied is foolishness.

Only someone who's never used them aloud could fail to appreciate the difference.

wang: nasal
dong: authoritative

Proud members of any discerning gentleman's toolkit.

I still say nads all the time.

Mostly in the form of "_________ really tweaked my nads"

dong is even better if you pronounce it as the onomatopoeia of a bell ringing

I'll concede that "dong," removed from context, is a funnier sound than "wang."

However, you cannot tell me that, for example, Anthony Kedis has a dong. Dude totally has a wang.

ding dong is one of my most used insults

More jokes less dongspeak

wolfman's got nards

hasadong
isawang

Q. Why did the dong cross the road?

A. Guy had no say in the matter! Legs do the walkin', dong does the talkin'!

Dong first ask questions later.

Never ask a dong a question. Its answers only come in spurts.

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PUT A DONG ON IT

Dongfidence

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What's the difference between Chris Kluwe and the Delta Gamma woman who wrote the scathing letter to her sorority?

One's a cut punter...

ha!

Hahaha

Q: Where did Wacko go when he developed the problem of compulsively wetting himself?

A: The pee psychiatrist.